I never would have said it out loud. It was always an underlying fear way down in the depths where no one but Jesus could see. I had spent the majority of my life acting like a chameleon out of what I’ve come to realize was a survival instinct.
Everything I said or did was calculated out of necessity. Out of frustration I complained to my therapist that even the act of going to a new place and having to find somewhere to park caused me anxiety.
“That’s dumb right?” I demanded. “Like that’s not a normal thing for people to experience anxiety over.” My eyebrows creased together in frustration as she looked at my with compassion.
“Meggan, this kind of anxiety stems from childhood. You had experiences that caused you to believe that people weren’t safe. When you go through things like this as a child, your brain can’t process it yet and so you develop a stuck point. You had to just move on to survive, but the child this happened to is still stuck there and as a result you can never relax. You are always alert to the dangers around you. No situation is completely safe, not even grabbing a coffee from Starbucks. Your inner child is trying to protect you and that’s where the anxiety comes from.”
I sighed and my eyes welled up with tears. “Well, it’s an exhausting way to live.” I finally mumbled.
“What if the real me isn’t worth knowing” is a thought that has swirled around my brain since before I can remember. It’s only now, on the cusp of turning forty that I am finally beginning to heal those stuck points of my childhood with Jesus because the truth is, I am worth knowing.
And so are you.
Just because you’ve lived with anxiety like this for a long time doesn’t mean it’s normal. It also doesn’t mean that this is as good as life can ever get. It’s important to reconnect with yourself and the first way to do that is by noticing when you have physical or emotional reactions to something that shouldn’t really provoke such a response. Like going somewhere new and having to find a parking space.
I’m finding that the more I write about my story and the things I’ve gone through, the easier it’s becoming to truly love and accept every part of me. Even the dark ones.
Your journey is inspiring and I would love to help you tell it.
P.S. If you want to jump into my amazing community where I’m teaching introverted & heart centered women entrepreneurs how to discover and share their most impactful stories, then jump in here.