I find it hard to admit when I have a problem. I see the warning signs, I want to be wrong but deep down I know I’m not, and eventually I come to a breaking point. I can either choose to continue ignoring the issue or I can deal with it.
For many years I didn’t drink alcohol at all. I had decided that I wanted to be someone who didn’t drink to mask her problems since that’s what I had done for so long. The years leading up to giving my heart to Jesus were rough. I drank all the time, slept around, and pushed everyone away emotionally. Maybe it stemmed from being an adoptee trying to deafen the constant voice in my head telling me I wasn't good enough and that no one would ever truly love me. When I got to the lowest point of my life, I decided to give Jesus a try since everything else in my life was a mess. It’s the best decision I’ve ever made and I’d love to share that with you...some other time.
Several years after I got married I started allowing alcohol back into my life. I can’t tell you when it happened or even why but I just know that it did. It wasn’t an issue at first, which probably gave me underserved false confidence, but gradually it became one.
It was sneaky of course, as these things are. I found myself looking forward to having a drink to relax after a hard day of parenting or looking forward to unwinding with friends over the weekend. Eventually I started looking forward to a drink every night. Just one, I told myself, or two...maybe three.
I began to realize that it was an issue when I stopped making evening appointments for things. I didn’t want to have to put off having a drink. Still though, I could justify it in my mind. It’s not like I drank all day long right? Just a few in the evening…every. single. evening. I went through some deep emotional trauma this year and though I was dealing with it and healing, I found myself drinking to numb the pain of losing yet another friend.
A precious person in my life made a comment that had absolutely nothing to do with me but it hit me so hard. She simply said one day (not even to me personally) that she didn’t drink anymore because she had difficulty with it. Huh, I thought to myself, isn’t that why I stopped drinking for like 5 years? (By the way, thank you for being real Martha)
I’ve been thinking about it for weeks. Why do I drink? How does it benefit me at all? I can’t think straight, I do things and eat things I know I shouldn’t, and frankly, it’s been making me fat for years. There is absolutely nothing good in my life that has come from consuming alcohol and I’ve decided that I’m done.
I’m done wasting my evenings. I’m done taxing my liver and screwing up my body. I’m done leaving projects unfinished because I’m too tired to work on them when I’m kid free. I'm done trying to mask my feelings and not going to the one true source of healing. Nothing is worth trading my God given destiny for a few cheap laughs.
I wanted to make a public declaration for a few reasons.
First, I want to be accountable and if I only tell myself about this decision then there’s no accountability.
Second, I would love it if my friends would respect my decision and support and cheer me on because I do love a good cheerleader.
And finally, I just wanted to share in case anyone else is in the same boat. You can absolutely do this and I would love to be there for you if you need to take a stand.
My name is Meggan, and I used to have a drinking problem.